There are numerous ways to handle the stress and emotions that arise with family conflict. When I was young, my brother’s mental health problems produced fights, lectures, nagging, searches for him at night when he ran away, tears, threats, anger, the whole gamut of stress, human emotion, and ways of addressing conflict. When I worked at Boeing, as part of a workshop on working as a team, everyone in the organization was trained to recognize how people deal with conflict and how to address it.
The basic ways of dealing with conflict include:
1. Avoidance, walking away before emotion escalates or words are said that shouldn’t be said. Ignoring conflict is a form of avoidance that doesn’t admit conflict happened.
2. Confrontation, which brings the conflict directly to people involved and demands resolution. The reaction, though, is to walk away or to move from discussion to violence
3. Compromise, which offers a way to resolve the issue while each party gives up something of value. This often can work, but every partial loss of a battle undermines the relationship until the underlying conflict is exposed or the relationship ended.
4. Cooperation, where you set aside your reservations and difficulties and work with others even if opposed to it. This latter is the state of affairs with most teens, when asked to do chores because they often want to do other things but it is painful not to do as asked. It never resolves the conflict, it only delays it.
5. Collaboration, where all parties work together to find an array of solutions then choosing those that fit what most want.
There’s a test online called the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI) Conflict Mode Assessment that anyone can take to learn which styles for managing conflict are used. The test can enlighten people to work at different levels to find agreement.
To alleviate stress, it can help to:
· Act on the desire for avoidance and on energy boosts with physical activity like walking, sports, running, bike riding, etc. The result is often that muscles relax, the mind unfocuses, the heart rate diminishes, the breathing increases and by the end of the exercise, a person feels calm enough to discuss issues.
· Write down feelings and thoughts and try to solve the problem. If everyone avoids a conflict, no resolution is possible, so writing a letter can offer your thoughts without direct confrontation. It is easier to think when you write and to organize your thoughts. Feelings are released when you write them down instead of holding onto them and nurturing them until they boil over.
· Talk with someone that can help guide your thoughts or solutions. When I was young, we didn’t have mental health specialists, so we dumped our emotions, our problems, and our conflicts on friends and family and even strangers in the hope of finding a solution. Someone trained to help can protect your friends, family, and community from taking on your stress. Sometimes group sessions can gain the advice of others who have walked the same path.
· Meditation or prayer can help lower your heart rate and increase the feeling of being calm. Meditation starts by tightening then loosening all your muscles. Massage can help. Breathing exercises help to control your heart rate. Choosing to empty your mind or concentrating on a happy memory can restore calm. Choosing to think about others, one by one, and try to understand their view can open up opportunities to resolve issues and can help you deal with their emotions and stress.
· My minister offered the best advice on marriage, namely, hold onto each other when you fight and never go to bed angry. If you hold each other, it is harder to hurt each other, the two are very opposite reactions. If you say your issues without anger and with love, your chances of finding a positive solution increase.
Often a mental health specialist will suggest writing when you’re upset to help calm you and help you find answers. My first experience with counseling was in Engaged Encounter and they used writing letters then reading them to each other as a way to force us to discuss potential conflict areas such as :
· Money
· Child care especially discipline
· Family planning
· Moves
· Illness
· Job changes
· Hobbies
· Religion
· Family participation
which are often the source of conflict and divorce.
No matter where you are in life, learning about conflict can improve your writing, improve your ability to handle conflict calmly, and reduce life stress.